Passive Farting

Posted: September 8, 2014 in Uncategorized

Over the years,  since July 2007, I’ve become more and more intolerant of the anti-smokers. Yes I make my case, often, about being allowed to imbibe something that causes NO harm to others, but it cuts no ice with these interminably miserable fuckers, who want to tell everybody how to live life.

They wave their hands, hold their noses and fake like they’re coughing, all the while condoning the shit that’s belched out by cars, wagons, buses and the trendy wood burners they are all installing in their homes.

They moan about the smell and how they couldn’t breathe in the pub on a weekend, how their clothes smelled of smoke and nicotine (Eh?) when they left the busy pubs.

Well now they’ve got what they never asked for empty pubs; pubs closing at a rate of 10 a day across the land, cheap supermarket booze soon to be taxed at 50 pence a unit- it won’t stop there- and the ruin of communities.

I hope your fucking happy. Bastards.

Where are all these prodnoses, who said the pubs would be full of healthy non-smokers? Who were to come back to the pubs in their thousands, who were going to enjoy the smoke free atmosphere and never get ill or get lung cancer and we would all live forever, and the NHS would save billions by not having to treat smokers and their victims, passive smokers. We, smokers, now have to put up with their, the antis, bad breath, their cheap cologne and perfume, their body odours “…and I had to wash my hair ’cause it smelled of smoke,” s’pose they don’t wash now, and the smell of piss trampled into the carpets from the gents and ladies bogs, but, do we moan? do we complain? do we wave our arms? No we put up with it, we get over it, like grown ups.

Just recently the Good Lady and me have changed our diet. We’re trying to eat a little less processed meat, Bacon Mmmm, Ham Mmmm, Sausages Mmmm, Chorizo, Salami, you know the good stuff, the tasty stuff. And no cake, fewer chips, no crisps, no biscuits.

We thought we’d try fresh meats, organic fruits and veggies, juicing apples and carrots and we’ve tried lentils, chickpeas, barley, pulses, nuts, more fish and seafood. Not for some tree-hugging, save the polar bears cubs bollox, more because we don’t know exactly what shit BigFoodCorp are putting in the food they sell us.

You know what, it’s not bad, this diet. Bit of salt and pepper, chili flakes, herbs, spices and it becomes rather tasty, not boring at all.

But there’s an added benefit, eating this healthy stuff gives me WIND. Now I’ve always enjoyed a good Fart, usually in my own company mind, so I get a personal benefit and it adds to global warming, or whatever it’s called this week, which is a good thing, cause it’ll upset some other Weknowbesters.

But here’s where the passive farting bit comes in. From now on when  the mates and me go tert’pub we order the beers, find a table, start a conversation so’s others can hear; about how much the pub smells of B O, piss, bad breath and cheap perfume, about lentils and chickpeas and wind and farting, and how much pleasure we get from farting, and how farts stink of rotting veg.

Then, one at a time, we start leaning to one side, raising an arse cheek of the seat, pulling a strained look, you know, that half smile half grimace, forcing the blood to rush to your head, like you’re desperate to share with everyone the benefits…and if we can, and I think I will be able to, fart, then get up and walk outside for a smoke, with all the other lepers, pariahs and miss-fits. An’ after the calming enjoyable smoke, among the other freedom loving individuals, we go back in and start pulling the anti-smoker face, nose in the air, curled top lip, whining about the odour the antis have forced on everybody.

You know, I reckon that if we smokers can convince the antis of the stink, they’ll start to go outside, and the Landlords will be demanding that the smokers be allowed back inside, like it used to be, perhaps with air-conditioned smoking rooms, and it’ll be a small step back from all the PC bullshit foisted on us.

The smoking ban was never about health, it was always about control, by the WeKnowBesters, it was about removing freedoms, everyone’s freedoms not just smoker’s, ask the fatties, the vapers, the salties.

One day they’ll come come for something the anti-smokers enjoy, and the antis will moan and whine and complain to us, that their freedoms are being removed and we’ll look them in the eye an say… FUCK OFF.



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